{"id":485,"date":"2011-03-16T15:35:11","date_gmt":"2011-03-16T22:35:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/billchapin.net\/allthecitylights\/?p=485"},"modified":"2015-01-12T09:31:54","modified_gmt":"2015-01-12T17:31:54","slug":"nitpicking-the-hits-jennifer-lopez-and-pitbull-want-everyone-on-the-floor-especially-you-dale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/billchapin.net\/allthecitylights\/2011\/03\/nitpicking-the-hits-jennifer-lopez-and-pitbull-want-everyone-on-the-floor-especially-you-dale\/","title":{"rendered":"Nitpicking the Hits: Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull want everyone “On the Floor”–especially you, Dale!"},"content":{"rendered":"

In this new feature, I’ll be examining the lyrics to a current Top 10 hit in excruciating detail for no reason other than to mock it.<\/em><\/p>\n

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You know what this video really needs? More blatant product placement. (Youtube screen capture)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The hit:<\/strong> “On the Floor” by Jennifer Lopez<\/a>, featuring the stylings of Miami rapper Pitbull<\/a><\/p>\n

Chart position:<\/strong> Presumably propelled by J. Lo’s “American Idol” exposure, “On the Floor” rose four positions to No. 5 on this week’s Billboard Hot 100<\/a> singles chart.<\/p>\n

The general idea:<\/strong> The dance floor is an ideal place to do some dancing. Also: “La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.”<\/p>\n

LET’S NITPICK THIS SUCKER<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Dale get on the floor
\nDale get on the floor
\nDale get on the floor
\nDale get on the floor
\nDale get on the floor
\nDale I want the whole world to
\nGet on the floor<\/em><\/p>\n

This is exactly how the opening lyrics are transcribed on<\/a> several<\/a> sites<\/a>. I had to locate the long version of the song\u2014the introduction has been mostly excised from the single edit\/official video\u2014to figure out that Pitbull is using the Spanish\/Cuban slang word dal\u00e9<\/a><\/em>,<\/em> meaning “let’s go” or “do it,” not ordering somebody named Dale to start dancing and, ideally, inspire the entire world to follow suit. I am disappointed. This song has lost a lot of its appeal already.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m like ‘Inception,’ I play with your brain
\nSo I don\u2019t sleep I snooze
\nI don\u2019t play no games so don\u2019t get it confused, no
\n’cause you will lose, yeah<\/em><\/p>\n

Comparing your rapping to one of the most successful mind-fucks in recent memory–that’s a bold statement. If I were Pitbull, I’d want to back up that boast with some pretty potent rhymes that twist the meanings of words in unexpected ways. Or at least a pun. Somthing! Not our man Pitbull, though. He talks about how he prefers napping when he ain’t rapping, which, incidentally, is a better rhyme than “snooze” and “confused.”<\/p>\n

Now pump it up
\nAnd back it up like a Tonka truck<\/em><\/p>\n

You know what? I was going to jump all over Pitbull for this one. Tonka<\/a>, of course, is a toy manufacturer. It makes smaller versions of the real thing, which is the exact opposite metaphor one should be invoking when rapping about asses. Telling a lady that she has an ass like a Tonka truck means that her curves are 1\/16 scale. But, upon Googling “Tonka,” I learned<\/a> that the company takes its name from an Indian word for “great” or “large.” Clearly, Pitbull just slipped into Dakota-Sioux for a second. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, buddy.<\/p>\n

All I need is some vodka and some chunka coke
\nAnd watch a chick get donkey-konged <\/em><\/p>\n

Let’s ignore the chunky Coca-Cola for a second and focus on the second line. Using context clues, we can surmise that “donkey kong” is some sort of variation on the loathsome, totally-made-up sex act known as the\u00a0donkey punch<\/a>. Urban Dictionary is little help in identifying what distinguishes a donkey kong punch from a regular donkey punch, although I appreciate the definition<\/a> that claims the penetrating partner, rather than simply using his fist, smashes a barrel over the head of the receiving partner. At any rate, Pitbull is claiming that all he needs for a good time is to watch a woman subjected to potential lethal assault. Nice! (Other lyrics sites<\/a> seem to think the line is “watch this shit get donkey-konged,” which … well, I’m not sure what that could possibly mean. (UPDATE:<\/strong> But commenter d k below has an explanation. Thanks, d k!)<\/p>\n

Don’t stop, keep it moving<\/em>
\n<\/em> put your drinks up<\/em><\/p>\n

Frankly, the song gets a lot more dull once Pitbull finishes and J. Lo starts her one-note chanting, but I am enjoying the image of fights breaking out on the floor because everyone hoisted their glasses and spilled syrupy beverages all over each other.<\/p>\n

Brazil, Morocco,
\nLondon to Ibiza
\nStraight to L.A. New York
\nVegas to Africa <\/em><\/p>\n

Animaniacs<\/a><\/em> found a way to turn the name of every country in the world into a song with a consistent rhyme scheme. Surely the committee behind this song could have come up with a way to make this list of party locations a little bit more poetic. Let me take a stab at it:<\/p>\n

Brazil, Morocco
\nLondon to Chicago
\nL.A., New York and Rio
\nKinshasa to Toledo
\nDETROIT! UH! <\/em><\/p>\n

See? It’s easy. I could write this junk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\"Share\"<\/a>\n